Stories, events and life in general from Miss Kitty's point of view

Saturday

Darkness within the storm



During my absence much has occurred and though it was a difficult decision, I felt compelled to share this with you, so that you might understand that being away has been due to circumstances over which I have had little control.


The second half of last year proved challenging. I found myself going over some digital photographs taken back in 2005, photographs that allowed me to go public and tell my story of abuse and that I am a survivor of child abuse. 



The notebooks


I had chosen to rework these images and post them to The Artist Within Us website, but this time in color, since the first showing in 2005 was as a set of duo-tones. What I did not realize, was that I would relive these memories and go through emotional turmoil and general withdrawal for several months. The result of that period produced notebooks full of words, expressing a gambit of emotions and feelings.


What made this even different from 2005, was that now I focused on writing down these memories and feeling, while—for the first time—being more objective, looking at the events from those of my abuser, also of my father, his job and affairs and how children were raised in Germany back in the nineteen-thirties. The shift in the approached my abuse, allowed for a different perspective and also a better understanding, while not excusing the abuser.



With memories striped bare, stolen innocence still cannot forget


I even began drafting a website Family Secrets Revisited for the purpose of posting from the notebooks and more images in the near future. When I, with fortitude shall return to the notebooks, including the many other photographs take in 2005 and which were never part of any previous exhibition, bringing it all to a conclusion in the form of a book.

———


Once November rolled about I briefly went into high gear, as I love to entertain for Thanksgiving. I was able to mask from family and friends even now what had been going on the previous ten weeks and when the month came to a close, I began to take a downward spiral, however it had nothing to do with the holidays.


I have been suffering from deep depression on and off since my emergency open-heart surgery in 2006, with depression in the first year of recovery being especially sever. However this time, the depths of depression were the worst with feeling of suicide and the medical treatment received this January for the depression, unfortunately made things worst.


After a little over a week I decided to remove myself off from treatment and as January came to a close, I began my slow recovery back to reality. Though things are steadily improving, I remain cautious. What has helped is that for more that a month I have been preoccupied with the neighborhood council, developing a web presence for our neighborhood.



Ms K being awakened from sleep - photographed using an iPhone


As the weather improves, I find myself going more outside, thinking about photography, especially since my son, Armont gave me an iPhone 4S for Christmas and just last week I started to explore the camera’s potential in creating iPhoneography images. What has also helped these last few weeks is that I have re-connected with a few photographers back in Germany who now had a new website, Foto-Live and invited me to join and share my work with a European audience.


Yet I am aware this increase in activity is only a diversion and does not address the issue of depression. I know there is no quick fix to my situation and I can only take one step at a time, while moving forward.


Finally, back in late January, I began making plans to retrace some of my previous steps that were taken back in 1956 when my parents immigrated to the US. We first settled in New York for a few months, then in a deep-burgundy colored Chevrolet to Los Angeles, part of the trip was on Route 66.




Though things will certainly have dramatically changed on Route 66 since 1957, I still have vague memories of New Mexico and Arizona, memories which have left an impact upon me all these years. Now I simply wish to go back and look at the relics before time and the elements take them completely.


Sadly due to the sudden and radical increase in fuel prices, I have reluctantly decided to table the trip. So I am settling for spending time exploring more closely the neighborhood and dismantling the last thirty years of boxes stored in my garage—unburdening my belongings and saving only that which has purpose or meaning. 



Ms K sleeping deeply - photographed using an iPhone


I cannot foretell the future, nor make promises. All I can do is take each day one step at a time and try to keep myself busy with projects. Hopefully there will be also the inspiration and urge to create art and paint again.


So for now I thank you for having stuck by me and my faithful companion Ms K, who has helped me through these months of struggle. I know it will not be easy to reply to such a post as this, for one may not know what to say.


PS: I apologize for the earlier upload of this post. It was in error, since not all images were in place.






(^..^)





16 comments:

iris said...

cher Edmond,
je suis toute entière auprès
de vous pour ce coup de blues
depuis novembre je suis un
traitement pour une dépression
j' en suis tout désemparée !!!!
il parait que c' est assez long
les événements d' une vie sont
parfois dur à partager
mais nos chers minous sont là
bon courage
edith bisous

Alex aus dem Gwundergarten said...

Hallo Edmond
Ja, das war bestimmt ein schwerer Post für Dich zum Schreiben. Und es zeigt halt einmal mehr auf, dass jeder sein Päcklein zu tragen hat, Deines ist im Moment gerade besonders schwer, aber Du hast eine Familie und Freunde, die Dir tragen helfen und irgendwann wirst Du Dein Ziel erreicht haben und das schwere Päckli abladen können. Davon bin ich fest überzeugt, aber Du brauchst Geduld und Kraft. Auch Miss Kitty hilft Dir tüchtig mit beim Tragen. Gerade Tiere tun bei Depressionen einfach nur gut. Sie verstehen und lieben, egal was war... den für sie zählt nicht die Vergangenheit und auch nicht Zukunft, sondern das Hier und Jetzt. Ich glaube, wir Menschen können viel von den Tieren lernen. Edmond, ich wünsche Dir, dass Du mit Deiner schlimmen Vergangenheit Frieden schliessen kannst. Nicht vergessen sollst Du sie, aber verstehen, dass sie abgeschlossen ist und sie Dich dennoch zu dem Menschen gemacht hast, der Du bist. Du bist einzigartig, Du bist Du und Du bist wertvoll.
Liebe Grüsse an Dich und einen Knuddler an die weise Miss Kitty
Alex

ABBY said...

Edmond
I am so delighted to hear your voice again and see your marvelous photographs. I know no words to express the feelings I have except to say I'm sorry which seems so inadequate. I hope you continue on towards lightness and healing.

Purrs to Miss K
Abby

laurence said...

merci pour ce partage Edmont, je suis heureuse de lire vos nouvelles, et souhaite un grand courage. amitiés, laurence

Jan's Funny Farm said...

It's good to see you post again, to know you and Miss Kitty are okay, even though you've been dealing with some trials. Enjoying the outdoors and helping others does help with depression, We're sure Miss Kitty has been excellent company, a terrific listener, has kept your secrets, and has warmed your heart during this time.

Oh, no, the dreaded evil word verification! Please consider turning it off as many bloggers have a very hard time trying to read the new font!

isabel gutiérrez said...

Querido Egmont, quiero saludarte y enviarte mis mejores deseos para contribuir a tu recuperación. Lo que cuentas de tu niñez es tristísimo, la verdad es que el más y el que menos ha sufrido alguna clase de abuso en su niñez. Lo que ocurre es que a la mayoría de las personas les da un poco de miedo y "vergüenza" contarlo. Tú eres muy valiente.

No sabía que eres de origen alemán, aunque mi cuñado, que es inglés, me había comentado sobre algún giro de idioma que empleas.

Ya te he dicho en alguna ocasión que mi hermana también lee tus entradas y le gustan mucho.

Como verás, yo tampoco estoy en mi mejor momento y mi pintura se resiente de ello. Pero hay que seguir viviendo e inventándose la vida como sea.

Egmont, muchos abrazos. Espero que te lleguen fuerte a través del océano que nos separa. Tu amiga, Isabel

isabel gutiérrez said...

Muchos besos para M Kitty

Becky~ said...

I hope you continue on your slow but productive road back.Much blessings!Meow hugs to Miss K.

Cat said...

Wishing you strength and peace my friend.

Serafina Seidenfell said...

Hallo Egmont,

erst habe ich mich über einen neuen Post bei Ms. Kitty gefreut, dann war ich schon über den Titel erschrocken, der nichts Gutes ahnen ließ. Ich hoffe, dass es Dir bald gelingt, mit der Vergangenheit Frieden zu schließen, sie hinter sich zu lassen wie einen schlechten Traum. Es scheint mir, dass die Zeit im Moment gut dafür ist.

Ich wünsche Dir viel Kraft auf Deinem Weg! Nimm Dir ab und zu ein Beispiel an Ms K und genieße die einfach die Gegenwart - den Sonnenschein im Garten, die Wolken im Wind.

Alles Liebe und Gute

Kerstin mit Finchen und Ayla

meowmeowmans said...

We are so glad to hear from you. Thank you for this post, and for sharing with us the trials you have been facing. Much peace and strength to you, our friend. Know that you and Miss Kitty are in our thoughts and prayers.

Miss Kitty said...

Thank you dear people for having stopped by and left a commented.

Please forgive me for not having replied sooner. I have had a nasty cold that has kept me in bed these last five days.

I just wish to acknowledge your recent comment to my site and promise to visit your site shortly to reciprocate, especially since another post written several days is scheduled for this Thursday.

Warmest regards,
Ms K and Egmont

Clooney said...

I admire your courage Egmont. I'm glad you have had Ms K. I have found kitties to be the saving grace for depression. You are in my thoughts.

Linda Shields said...

May the Lord bless you with the knowledge of his love and speedy deliverance from the darkness that He has overcome. This past year was a horror for me also, but Jesus is faithful and I have not clung to Him in vain. My heart goes out to you with all sympathy. Look up and see how dear and precious you are to Him. I will remember you in my prayers in your brave struggle. I know you are winning. Do not give up!

Linda Shields said...

May the Lord bless you with the knowledge of his love and speedy deliverance from the darkness that He has overcome. This past year was a horror for me also, but Jesus is faithful and I have not clung to Him in vain. My heart goes out to you with all sympathy. Look up and see how dear and precious you are to Him. I will remember you in my prayers in your brave struggle. I know you are winning. Do not give up!

Michelle said...

I haven't been blogging much lately but I posted a link to your blog from Quincy's Facebook page that we just started for him and his siblings. I have been busier with that...and THANK YOU for sharing such a personal story to us. Hang in there..it can only get better..and yes with time. xoxo Here is Quincy's page...feel free to like us and keep in touch! Michelle, Quincy, Emma, Perseus and Lily. xoxo

https://www.facebook.com/pages/My-Life-as-Quincy/346616238781690?ref=tn_tnmn